I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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