i wish my penis had a tongue
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
