got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
