Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
