your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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