I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Randomize