I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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