I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
