I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
