Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
