you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
