Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
