There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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