got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
