Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
