for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
