Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
