i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
