i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
