I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
