I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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