i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize