We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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