Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
