When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
