good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
