I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
