I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Houston, we have a blender
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
