It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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