My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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