Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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