remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
