so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
