Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
