There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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