There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
