please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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