I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
