the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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