There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
