Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
