well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
