in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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