I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
