Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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