you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You ate ashes out of my bong
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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