he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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