She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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