My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I need moral support for this bender
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
