in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize