I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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