what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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