i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Randomize
