omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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