drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize