i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
