I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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