im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
