I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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