1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
